WE ARE ALL BAD IN SOMEONE’S STORY

That’s a hard pill to swallow, isn’t it?

I took this picture on Sunday morning, it just made me feel nostalgic about life.

There’s a quote I read that goes something like this;

“The first step of change is becoming aware of your own bullshit”

I think that self-awareness has started with me.

In fact, I think it’s always been there, I just refused to admit it.

Like everyone, I have been through a few things; the most obvious one that I always write about are failed relationships.

There is one key thing that all the guys I have been with always tell me;

That I have issues, I am always looking for issues, that I am always creating issues.

That I like drama.

Yes, I admit, I do have trust issues, I am always suspecting something is about to go wrong.

Is that what you call being cynical?

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

I can’t remember when I started being like this. I think it’s years of being disappointed by people and putting everyone in the same basket.

Trust is very fragile; once its broken its very hard to restore.

What I do remember is when I was a little girl, I dreamed about love and being swept of my feet by a handsome Prince and I dreamed about my wedding day and I couldn’t wait to fall in love.

I was in love with love. I believed in fairy tales and happily ever after.

I was hopeful.

Then life happened.

At my core, I am still a hopeless romantic; I still believe that someday…

I also believe in listening to your gut or your sixth sense or intuition; whatever you prefer to call it.

God’s voice?

But then I realised maybe I have been confusing my intuition with my insecurity.

The fact that I am always looking for something to go wrong has always made me feel very insecure; I always blame myself and I always wonder what I did wrong and if I have to be truthful, I don’t really trust my judgement.

It’s something I’m working on though.

So now with all this self-awareness I am going through and becoming aware of my own crap, I am learning to distinguish between insecurity and intuition and one key difference is this;

Your intuition will never let you feel like a failure, it will never leave you with more doubt than what you started with.

You can trust your intuition, you can depend on it.

Insecurities make you feel more insecure, it makes you ask yourself multiple questions, it doesn’t feel good.

Your intuition makes you feel at peace.

Do not confuse your intuition with your insecurity.

Another thing I am learning in regards to all these “issues” I have in relationships is that the more I mess up, the more I learn.

For a long time I struggled to let go of my past; I had what people call “daddy issues” (See, more issues)

I think that trickled down into my relationships with men and how I interpreted them.

If I look back now, I placed a lot of pressure on the guy to save me. I would depend on him.

Maybe in way I was looking for a father figure, they do say that a girl’s father is her first love, right?

And my “daddy issues” come from two different fathers; biological and step.

So yes, I admit that I may not have dealt with it properly before I had gotten involved with these guys.

So from my father issues, came trust issues and abandonment issues and thinking everyone is out to get me and that they are all lying and only using me.

And then I had a realisation only a couple of days ago and it was this;

The world does not revolve around me.

I am not always the victim.

I am not always right.

I am not always blameless.

I mess up too.

I cannot expect from others that which I cannot provide to others.

I cannot have expectations if I cannot level up to those same expectations.

I cannot confuse my intuition with my insecurity and blame others for what I am feeling.

That is no way to live.

I realised I have messed up so many times because of this mind set and I have probably ruined so many relationships because of my insecurity.

I don’t know what it feels like to fully, 100% trust another human being and that is a terrifying thought.

Or maybe its not my distrust in others but my distrust in myself.

It’s important to remember that we are all going through something, we all have a past, we all have issues.

The key thing is knowing how to deal with it; I am still learning.

The more I mess up, the more I learn.

The more I become aware of my own bullshit.

We cannot carry our past with us forever.

We cannot bring it up in every relationship and every time things go wrong our excuse is,

“It’s because of what happened in my past, I have trust issues, ect ect”

We need to be brave, we need to take the risk.

I am solely talking about relationships here but it actually counts for everything in our lives, our careers, our families, our ambitions.

Everything starts with you taking the first step.

We need to stop being afraid of getting hurt, getting hurt is part of life, it is part of learning and growing.

Yes, you might have regrets but I always remind myself (if possible) about all the beautiful moments I experienced, about all the good feelings I felt and I am always grateful for those moments because it made my life beautiful at that time.

I think I trust my insecurity more than my intuition

And that’s the problem.

I think the worst part is because I grew up feeling more insecure than I did confident.

I think now that I’m trying to trust my intuition, I don’t know how to read it.

I can’t always tell when it’s speaking to me.

I was watching a Ted Talk by a South African woman this morning named Caitlyn Roux and she speaks about self-love.

There’s a part where she says, how can you expect others to give you love if you can’t give love to yourself first.

It’s the same with trust;

How can you expect to trust others if you can’t trust yourself first?

-Kimberly Flanagan